Mia-Bohème: Lord Plzz Help Me!!! this pain is more than i can bear

oh my good God, i do NOT know what to do!!! i may have NO choice but to drive all the way to Framingham ER tonight :( Marlboro Hosp is OUT, not unless i'm dying of a heart attack. this is the medication i now have in my system, 4mg Dilaudid, 10 mg Percocet plus i just took another Percocet, so in an hour, the total will be 20mg Percocet and i am DYING with my heating pad pressed HARD up against my L kidney :( yesterday it happened at 2:30pm and continued on until i picked up the 6 Dilaudid pills at 7:30pm. i took 2 of those at 7:45pm and was able to get to sleep. tonight is MUCH worse :( urine culture comes back tomorrow, i don't even KNOW what's happening to me. i just know that this really brings me back to my childhood, when i was neglected for almost 19 yrs. the dr NEVER validated my pain.while i went thru approx 100 episodes of this during childhood, hunched over for 3 days at a time, in DEMEROL/MORPHINE/W.E.level pain, the dr was telling my parents to take me to a shrink and give me an enema :O lucky that he's long since died, as i would be on his front doorstep with a MAJOR lawsuit!!! even my mother is furious with both him and the pediatrician beFORE him, she probably died in the 70s. she can't believe that they never pegged it. so i suffered endlessly until it became "acute" in Janurary 1982. by then my OTHER kidney was filled with water to makeup for what the left could not do. the left one was the size of a football. i was septic, meaning the infection had gotten into my blood. it took them forever to find a vein in my arm, because i was sooo far gone. they said if i hadn't come in, i would have died w/in 2 days. nnnniiiicccceeee.....beFORE the dr's figured out that the cause of the pain was my kidney, i looked up the human body in the 'WORLD BOOK' and palpated where the pain was and looked at the picture and said, "hey, i wonder if it's my kidney, do you suppose anyone wants to check on that?" so it was I who actually solved the wretched mystery...props to me...didn't do much good, by then, they had to put in a drain thru my side, and for the 1st 36 hrs what my parents saw draining into that bag made them ashen-faced with shock and horror. instead of pure urine coming thru, it was all bloody pus *sry for the graphicness of this*. after 2 wks, he cut me open and did his best to repair the kidney, after which he said, "operating on her kidney was like operating on wet toilet paper" nnniiiiccceeee.....thxxx everrryone!!! sry, still have slight resentment for parents, working hard on recovering from that. before they actually DID the surgery, he brought in a nurse who had also just had the same surgery as mine was to be. she showed me her scar, tiny and pretty. of course mine came out vile and NOT pretty, as well as 14" long, 3X longer than the nurse. then, there was an 8 yr old gurl who was also having the same surgery as me. when i saw her a month later at drs office, i was still hunched over at age 18, and i saw the 8 yr old doing cartwheels, charming......i was in the hospital for a month. after that it was better. until 1999, when the right one went bad. i had "micro-surgery", which i recently heard, did NOTHING. so my original diagnosis, for the L kidney, was; "UPJ obstruction secondary to an abherrant lower left pole renal artery", again, charming. it was congenital. now-a-days, they can actually SEE that on an ULTRASOUND, so it's now detected before birth, again, just charmed by my own luck/experience....ahhhhh, i can't remember exactly what yr the left one went "bad" again, i do remember being rushed to the hospital in early 2001, screaming, they kept me for 3 days, thought it was kidney stones, i was pregnant at the time, which is why they kept me. they never did see any stones, but "assumed" that's what it was. i had to educate them that "my arteries around my kidneys are just plain fuking abherrant", they move around and cause blockages. in may of 2003 i was hospitalized for 2 wks for another "flare-up". my primary dr kept ordering shots of morphine, which made me sick. i kept telling her, give me something ELSE, she wouldn't. the only good thing that came out of THAT 2 wks was, i just 'happened' to be inpatient when my best friend Keri went into labor with Kendall and her and Charles let me stay and watch her birth!! it was awesome!!! i will NEVER forget May 6, 2003, the day Kendall Grayce was born :) and Grayce spelled THAT way was also my father's mother's first name :)))) love those non-coincidences!! ppl call coinquidinks-(sp?), i don't. let's see, the next episode was after i found my savior, my hero dr :) he is a true Christian gem!! i know he was sent by GOD. i started w/him in late 2006. he assessed my situation and sent me to a local urologist, who was a prick. that's ok, from HIM i found out what my original hero was up to these days :) Dr. Eric Sacknoff is retired and fly-fishing in Virginia, yayyy :)) i think he was like 34 when he did my '82 surgery. the next urologist i saw was in Framingham, he said, "based on your history, no one outside of Boston is going to come near you. your situation is far too complicated, well atleast he was nice about it :) ps HIS partner was Stanley Krauss, who did my '99 surgery. Then we moved onto Lahey Clinic in Burlington, somewhat famous i guess, w.f.e. they did a procedure on me, he stuck some straw up all the way to my kidney and therefore came to the conclusion i was NOT blocked.....uh Einstein, even I, lil ole Jiinxified one, can figure out that arteries are capable of moving out of your lil straw's way, then going right back to their evil place....that was the end of HIS @$$.....

So we THEN found a urologist in Boston, out of Beth Israel Hosp, i won't name him, cuz i MAY still do business w/him, the jury is still out on THAT....so after doing funky imaging w/isotopes, mag-3's etc, he did a surgery on me in early Feb '08. i had been in and out of their ER between the first time i met him and the time of the surgery. so he did that, and told me, "there are no guarentees this will get rid of the pain", nicccceee....thx again......altho i really liked him and absolutely LOVED his assistant/Physicians assistant/Nurse Practitioner/w.e Jodie, they made a HUGE mistake. one night they gave me Xanaflex aka Tizanidine, a muscle relaxer, for whatever reason, sleep maybe?? a few hrs later they asked if i was drunk, i said, "of course i'm healthy enough to leave my bed/my room, take the elevator down eleven floors, hit the street at night and find a local bar, drink and come back un-noticed...um...think again..so i said, it must have been that medication, don't give it to me again. my poor mother came up EVERY single day....guilt...poor thing...she needn't feel that way. soooo, the night before i was to leave, they went and gave me a Xanaflex again, HUUUGGGEEEE mistake!! i had a wicKKed bad reaction to it!! i went into an "amnesiac" state, got out of bed, the nurses had neglected to turn ON the bed alarm, proceeded to the bathroom where i must have been for hours, bashing and smashing my head against the wall, counter, ev thing, trying to go potty :( i was STILL "fucked up" when the drs team came at 6:55am and they were laughing because i was out of it, i must have been "funny", yaaa, real funny...approx 20 mins later, i finally came out of "it" and flipped on the nurses and said, "get those motherfuckers BACK HERE"....course they never came back. no apology forthcoming, no nothing, just a boot out the door....thx again.....after me and mom left i told her what had happened, she was horrified, as was i. sooooo, needless to say, i DID go back for a 6 wk check or whatever, and saw Jodie and told her what had happened. by then i had already figured it OUT mySELF, still awaiting my honorary Doctorate in Medicine to come in the mail, it hasn't yet arrived...i found out ONline, that when you mix Xanaflex/Tizanidine with Bactrim (antibiotic) it causes a reaction that makes the amount of Tizanidine 24X stronger in your bloodstream...nnniiiiccceeee.....thx for the overdose....i was thinking of suing, but decided i just wanted to "move on"....that was harder than i thought however...i was having nightmares about the incident, kind of PTSD, on a non-hardcore level, but still enough that my primary dr, my gem, said he wanted me to see a therapist....ya THINK?? plus, by THEN i was playing around with the whole "pro-ana" thingie....which had basically started after the breakup in March '06, starting at 165. in the hospital in Feb '08 the bed was able to weigh me, i weighed 111, that's one-hundred-eleven (for anyone who is using MY font, Pea Nancy :) while IN the hospital they IV'd me so much fluid i went up to 129 lbs. so when i saw Jodie at the 6 wk check, she was shocked that i was 107...i THINK...i'd have to go back in my "other" journal and find out. at any rate, i was not interested in her talking about my weight, i was interested in discussing "the incident" which she said she was "not aware of", mmmhmm....again...w..e........folks.. then to add to injury, they wanted me to stick with their "pain management" team, again, w.f.e. folks...telling me i don't need narcotics...well you just hop right on in to my body and be ME for a day/wk/month and see if YOU don't swan dive off these towers, k? thx... so my primary dr did the correct thing and put me on a regimen of what he calls, and what the contract i signed is, "long-term nacotic therapy". and let us give thanks and praise to a dr who KNOWS the difference between a woman who has suffered greatly for the first 18.8 yrs of her life and suffers CHRONIC KIDNEY PAIN, on alternating sides, but mostly left, the dif between THAT and someone who is "drug-seeking".....again...thx, but i shall pass on THAT...this medication has SAVED my life. i would NOT have been able to continue living if i had no medication. it's very simple to tell those who abuse and those who do NOT. i am grateful for him to have given me a better quality of life these past 3 yrs. although i cannot work, i am able to be available to my children, especially after mom had carted me around non-stop for 3 yrs, she bought me the most beautiful car i have ever owned :) i am able to drive my children to where they need to go, well, the ones who don't yet have licenses. i am free to get to all my appointments, tests, etc. migraine headaches went on rampage last fall and i went to a neurologist and she was a darling Russian older woman, i just LOVE her!!! she set me on the right path, by giving me Verapamil, a heart/BP med, which actually PREVENTS migraines :) so THAT is better. i am able to go to my dentist. i am able to live. there are just these "pesky" intolerable "flare-ups" of kidney pain that happen on occasion. it happened in December, he gave me Dilaudid. it happened thursday afternoon, the urgent care dr saw me at 5:30, after i gave a sample, and she gave me Dilaudid. it is for exacerbations-(sp?), which seem to be continuing :( i am still in pain, and now it has been an hour and a half since i took that last 10mg Percocet, and i am still stuck to my heating pad, unable to eat. i force myself to drink alot of spring water, because i KNOW that is the right thing to do. tomorrow, or today rather, early, i will be calling the lab to get the results of my culture. then we will know if it's a UTI, or just another "flare-up". you know, i could've "been somebody". seriously. if all had gone according to plan, minus the physical and mental frailties, i would have gone to medical school, who knows where :) and be an epidemiologist now :) or maybe a little OB on the side :))) i DO love watching those baby shows ev weekday. i get to see live births, regular, C/SEC, natural, epidural, onesters, multiples, you name it, these shows have it and i absolutely LOVE IT <3 then they rap it up with "Adoption Stories", also one i enjoy, tho not as much as, "Birth Day", "Deliver Me", those 2 are my favie favs!! so perhaps i might have gone into Obstetrics, but Epidemiology is my first love interest :) i DID get an "A" in medical terminology, that was in 1995 and i remember every last bit of it! of course the book is gone...with the storage lost in April 2000 :( alas...i've started over, but i NEVER forget the medical things i learn. it is truly my first LOVE (aside from my Beloved FAM)...but as far as career goes. ok, i suppose THIS would be a fabulous place to S.T.O.P., lololol...this is, without a doubt, the longest entry/post i will EVER have...i wonder just how far down the page it will go? of course, if you're not viewing it in the original font, "Pea Nancy", then your second choice is, "Century Gothic", if not that, than whatever your computer will tolerate :) i personally LOVE my Pea Nancy, also Pea Nicki, umm, some of the others are quite adorable also...ok, enough...i am branching, as i so often do..but when you are ME, the need to journal has ALWAYS been there, i just never capitalized on it. it brings out the best in me, grammatically-(sp?) speaking. plus it IS theraputic :))) all smiles now...ok, just have to go find my "fluffy kidney dolls" pics, i believe i put them in the "BloggerPix" folder. so i will end with those....at this time, it is the LEFT kidney that won't let up....i am afraid of what will happen next. i know i'm NOT going to the ER tonight, it's already 1:50am and i took my night meds over an hr ago, slightly tired.....afraid to leave the heating pad on whilst sleeping....need it but don't want anything bad to happen...not going to mention the F word that i fear...although to be perfectly honest, there HAVE been some nights where it HAS been on high and i have fallen asleep :O badgurl! k, this is most DEFinitely the Jiinxified one, signing off, finally....i pray i don't give anyone nightmares! this was something i had never completely written down, and as a typist vs. a writer, i choose typing ANY and every day :) i also didn't bother with paragraphs, i just let this flow on it's own.

Peace, Love and sending out special thoughts of COMFORT for others especially :) just know that whoever you may be, if you are suffering in ANY WAY, you are in MY thoughts tonight <3

~Jiinxsay Lee Princesse Whild~