i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder eons ago! i don't even remember, must have been decades ago, if BPD was known back in the stone ages ;) i only know that i dismissed it promptly! then! approx 6-7 yrs ago, i was diagnosed with Bipolar TYPE 2 -(i canNOT call it, "phase 2" as that, to me, implies that i blew off "phase 1" and moved right on to "phase 2", lol...so for me, it's "type". i dismissed that also! lil miss denial aisle!!
it was only recently, a few months ago, when the Olympics were starting, i had to admit to myself that i was "in crisis" with severe Bipolar depression!! it had been going on, somewhat blowing it off in my mind, but had been going on for like 6 months! that commercial is right! "Bipolar depression doesn't just affect you, it consumes you". so i got back on Seroquel, which i HATE cuz i take it at night and start, "quillin' like a villain" :O eating every single thing, including the kitchen cabinets it seems!! i inSIST on maintaining my weight! i hover around 100. in my sick mind, 2 times ago, visiting dr, i weighed in at NINETY-SEVEN POINT SIX and thought, wow, i'm down a bit, better gain a lil....then the next time i went and weighed in i was NINETY-SIX POINT FOUR and thought to myself, HOLLA!! i get to take off the POINT FOUR for my sneakers, so that made me an even NINETY-SIX lbs. so i go from a somewhat healthy attitude about my weight, to anorexic in the drop of a hat! just add that to my mental frailties. strange though. unlike most gurls, i didNOT develop this as a teen. i only DREAMED about being this thin then, and i was not overweight at the time, but still wanted to be tiny. i have always thought tiny was hot. Kate Moss, Gemma Ward.....so! after a particular horrible "break-up" in early '07, i started losing weight. i was also taking narcotics on a daily basis for kidney disease pain. that also killed my appetite. i guess it was summer '07 when i started becoming "pro-ana", using enemas before a drs weigh in, creating accounts on livejournal and xangzie, both "pro-ana", started looking at (and downloading THINSPO aka Thinspiration pics-i now have around 2000). tried Hoodia, green tea pills, and got into a pattern of drinking alot of Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey, pretty much exclusively, besides coffee and spring water, but mostly the tea. and would have one Lean Cuisine per night, never eat during the day anyways. i lost a ton of weight, from 165, in March '07, to 134 in July '07, and so on, till i think it was Oct/Nov/Dec '08 when i got down to my lowest weight of like 86 lbs :O
i was horrified when i saw the pics of me, seeing as how i have NO Dysmorphic Disorder. so slowly i gained some back. after all of last yr i was relapsing and drinking, then eating burger king hangover food. i went up to 110 and did NOT like the feeling AT ALL. i stopped drinking, thank God. so again, now i hover around 100. i liked being 96 because then i can see my sxy chestbones. since i have no boobs to speak of, never have, alas....i still nursed SIX babies for a grand-slam total of FIVE YEARS :) award plz! so i am very into my chestbones and my hipbones. i have also been tanning alot, outside, on sunny-not too hot days!! from one addiction to another, hop, jump, skip :O i hate my frailties! however! i am NOT going to lie and say i want to be heavy again. when i was having babies ev 2 yrs from 1986-1992, i started going uppp...by '92 i was 190 lbs :O sz 18-20 leggins from Lane Bryant, a plus sz store. how weird that i was even "fashionista-ing" back then! wearing babydoll dresses, tights and either doc martens or my real combat boots :) short, uncolored, mousy-brown-permed hair, big plastic welfare glasses and i thought i was "the shit" wow....deluded..as i often am...i was turning 30 and then in my very early 30s when this was occuring. now, at (gagg) 47, oops! i mean 18! i look better than i did then! weird...my hair is finally getting long, babyfine as it is. wow, i am allllll over the darn place :( i can't focus :(( all i can think about is going back to Walmart tonight, to return stuff that i bought last night, not ALL of it, just some. i went overboard, shopping addict here. does the list ever end??? i guess i just wanted to list ALL of my mental "frailties" as i call them. then physically, i am gimped also :( chronic kidney disease, not tooo bad, except for the chronic obstructions, that cause a ton of pain! have been taking percocet daily for 3 yrs now. going to see dr monday and get referral to a nephrologist. there HAS TO be a solution to my problem....i just basically spent the past 4 yrs lying in bed!!! well, not all the time, but it's like my "hang", how pathetic....ok, no negativity! no "beating myself up"! it will only lead to the next drink!! i mostly wrote this entry for my new friends and followers :) you all are soooo honest in your blogs i wanted to get super real for you, i.e. cut thru the b.s. as you can see, if you read more than 6 entries, that i AM all over the place. i HAVE been praying a LOT!!! mostly for others, but also for me :) sometimes when i am sun-worshipping i pray for a lengthy time period. it DOES help me. that's the alcoholic, where AA teaches us to find a "higher power", whether it be; God, goddess, the sky, the earth, even the group you belong to, just so you believe that YOU, or rather, ME, is/are not the end all and be all. i CAN and DO ask God to remove the desire to drink, it works, simple enough. as for my BPD, i read about a dr who runs a program re: BPD, and happens to work right over at McLean's Hospital in Belmont, near Boston. i guess it is a world-renouned hospital, holly wood, famous ppl come there to "get better". unfortunately! my ghetto insurance will NEVER cover THAT, so i plan on contacting this dr and asking him to help me "network" and find that Dialectical (sp?) type of therapy. i am already starting to be aware of when my BPD kicks in and am learning to "reel myself in" recently, it makes me soooo happy and much more peaceful when this occurs :) i am grateful for that. oh ya, forgot the lung disease....w.e. gene-related, didn't know about it till 6 yrs ago. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiencey", meaning when i was 16 and didn't smoke, i already had emphysema :( sucks...alas...can't control THAT. i don't even try. i blow it off, which i am very good at, since i blew off my 2 diagnosis' of BPD and Bipolar!! so that's me, in a nutshell. well, just the "frailty" part of me. i am verrry loving, i would do ANY thing for my kids and i love ppl, meeting ppl, etc. and then sometimes, i am out somewhere and i have to hurry home and climb under the covers and just feel safe again. last yr that "agorophobia-type" behavior started to manifest.......i'm def getting better with that. just in the nick of time too!! we've all been talkin' about goin' up to HAMPTON BEACH, NH this summer, MORE than once!!! i can't wait :)))) plz take anything and everything i say with a grain/10 lb bag of salt :) i am a mental case, period. i haven't even gone into details about 2003, when i was hospitalized 13 times....save that for another post. must sign off now, netbook is roasting on the bottom!! what does that mean??
thank you again gurls, and i hope i shared some insight into the currayzee world of ME, lol.
much LOVE, Jiinxsay
No comments:
Post a Comment