was juss watchin story in "E!" about the mistresses of Tiger Woods. now there's a THS about Tiger Woods. i try not to be a judgemental gurl. i really felt sorry for those women who got swept up in the celebrity aspect, and it seems that a few perhaps even fell in love with him. i guess he is like NBA stars, hip-hop stars, now i'm dogging entire groups of ppl. ppl who seem to have a definite sense of entitlement. i know it's only a portion of specific groups of men that "do this". i was shocked to learn exactly how tori spelling got w/her current husband dean? mcdermott. wow, i had no idea he was married & he & tori were on a movie set together, totally a couple, pics came out & the wife, who had no clue, was devastated, while in the midst of adopting a baby gurl :O then you go back to my fav couple "brangelina". i don't kinow why i love them, prob because they're so damned beautiful, despicably rich & seem to love children & are pretty ass-kicking at naming them (something very close to my heart). however! look at their beginning, same idea as tori & dean, on a movie set together, don't even bother to divorce, just GO FOR IT. it seems like a super selfish move to me. i know it happens all over the country (i'll leave the whole world out of this), regular working men, white collar, blue collar, billionaires (donald trump). it makes me afraid to ever get married. now of course, since this is a journal about me,
the whole entry somehow turns towards me, regarding me, w.e. i haven't been cheated on in my adult relationships, i've just been with; possessive-(sp?), emotionally & verbally abusive, emotionally crippled, co-dependant, mentally ill, substance abusers, WOW, i thought i'd seen it all. THEN I MET AN ACTUAL MOOCHER :o not to mention the little "problem" i have, which is, i canNOT date men who make decent $$$. i've ALways dated/gone out with poor dudes. i don't know WHY. the few men in my past who HAD decent "white collar" jobs & wanted to date me, i completely ran in the other direction or sabotaged any chance of any development. i don't know what my issue is with that. i grew up upper-middle-class. my whole adult life i have been dirt-poor.
i was a "welfare mother" for 13 yrs, and i am NOT bragging. i'm OVER myself to the extreme!!!! my triple diagnosis is my "reasoning" for being such an under-achiever. but! i've been to college 5 different times, i LOVE college, but i have no degree at this time. one of my goals is to attain a Bachelor Degree in Health Care Administration from Fisher College. i already had alot of credits from my time at Fisher ('95-'97), when i was focusing on medical records. i had a 3.8 GPA and was extremely happy to be able to do well in college, where i didn't in high school. of course my parents were allllllllllllllllllllll over it, as education is their "thing". (i always think they adopted the wrong gurl :( my mother went to Radcliffe College (back when Harvard wouldn't allow women, Radcliffe was the gurly Harvard), dad got his bachelors at Perdue, masters at MIT & doctorate in applied mathematics at Brown. he was a professor at Harvard for 38 yrs, and before that, he worked for NASA. whatever "Structural Mechanics" means, that's what my dad did. he wrote theories, was "world-renouned" in his field, and was also such a; quiet, humble, shy and sweet man. of course i wish i had had more time w/him, what daughter doesn't wish their dad had been able to survive cancer? he was diagnosed in May 1998, they gave him 6 months, he didn't even make it to 5 months, dying at home on October 7, 1998. my world crumbled after that. drank every night for 6 wks after the funeral. fucked up fam dynamics. younger sister controlling relationship w/MOM, like a controlling, abusive husband. been that way since she was 8 :O mom has fam history of addiction, so for her to take on that victim role of abuse doesn't suprise me, cept tha fact that it wasn't her husband, it was her youngest child (wonder what life would've been like if they had just adopted me & Bill & stopped there, no Jeanne....can't even imagine how dif life would've been). alas, no use crying over spilt milk (Jeanne ruling the family money, being executor of the will). FUK it. i was torqued over that fact for decades, now i have total acceptance & am at peace w/the entire current fam dynamic. mom juss sold tha palace in sud & bought a $500K condo in concord. she held onto that house 11.5 yrs after dad died in tha livingroom. i give her credit. if MY husband had died in tha livingroom, i woulda dumped tha palace 3 months later. so she's starting a new chapter in her life & i'm happy for her. she was tha cold, withdrawn, w.e mom when we were growing up. which makes me amazed at how incredibly close i am w/MY kids, how i have always had super radar mom instinct :) i thank God for that. it's a gift from God. i was born to breed :) i loved being pregnant, i loved nursing & holding my babies alll thaaaa timmmme :))) ahhhhh, how quickly they grow...i know ev one says that, but some days i really can't believe i have a 24 yr old daughter!! and that she is soooo fuKn amazing & self-sufficient!! wOw! i am so blessed & love my kids sooo much. it's really amazing to watch them becoming adults & finding their own way, their own path in life. wow, didn't this entry start off ragging about hollywood ppl being unfaithful? atleast my parents had a good marriage, thank God for that. i will get more in debth about my children, and include pics, at a later date. i can only go so deep, i have to do it in peices, revealing myself. like they say in AA, peeling away layers of an onion & getting to know yourself better & better,
shedding the badshit & working toward getting better, recovery...i want that. i have NEVER journaled & i can't believe that i'm all over this blogspot thing, journaling 5 times a day, i never thought i'd do that! i guess i have alot to say & like i said in one of the 1st entries, i was getting shit from feeny about laying my "dirty laundry" out on facebook. no more! i wonder if i should make this journal private. i figure no one's reading it anyways, so no need to privatize. the only ppl who will see it are maybe the ppl who's journals i am following, they may take a peek. and my friend Jinxi-boo, who inspired me to create this journal :) i'm sooo glad i did & i am grateful to my namesake Jinxi <3
i guess one of the reasons i'm journaling this many times a day is, since my car has been down for.....23 days, i've not been able to get to as many meetings as i want/need (AA). i had just started gettin back to meetings, then tha damnable "front lower control arm" snapped. turns out it was a recall, from a YEAR ago :O wow, thankfully i was juss pullin in to my parkin lot, goin 5 miles an hour. i have since read online that so many other ppl also did NOT receive/recieve this recall notice, it's from 12 months ago :O and yet! they are back-ordered on tha parts??? ex-squeeze me? (heavy sigh).....waiting....want my car back.
ps~ tha "princesse" & "friends only" are just amazing FONTS that i want to own, find, get, buy, w.e :) and tha "ethereal princess" is just a beautiful gurl <3
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