2ndly, went to gyno today re; my dayyum pelvic pain, thank god for dr. balidimos, she concluded what i already knew, it IS my bladder, not infection tho...so we'll see...and tha sickie in me was superrr psyched for tha weigh in!!! 2 wks ago when i went to dr for lung infection, i weighed in at 97.6, if that doesn't show up in this font, that's ninety-seven point six lbs. i was thinkin i was a bit low. today however!! my sick mind was happy when i weighed in at 96.4, that's ninety-six point four. i'm taking off tha point four for my sneaks, which puts me at a very nice even 96 lbs, that's ninety-six pounds. luvin it.
i also went out to sun-worship. got out there a bit late, 3pm, stayed out till 4:30pm. clouds were around, it wasn't pure sunshine, but i got color anyways :) have already set my cel alarm for tomorrow to get out there exactly at 1pm when tha sun hits my patio. and stay out as long as i can :) i know how bad this is for me, at my age, but i'm into it this year, as last yr, well, even more so than last year. before that, it had been decades.
an amazing thing happened in tha car w/mom while driving to drs today!!! i actually started to let my "borderline personality disorder" kick in, in tha conversation. i canNOT believe i was able to "reel myself in" and not flip out!!!! i'm very proud of my self-control!! one of mom's Radcliffe friends (all of which i have always called "aunt") is dying & i said, "i wanna see her" & she said, "no al, it's not appropriate", to which i replied, "why is that mom?" she started to get upset & couldn't answer, so i reeled it in, HOLLA, & said, "it's ok mom, i don't want you getting upset, i won't pursue this further, just plz give her a hug for me & tell her i love her, when you see her", she said she would. ewww, how black-sheeped am i you ask?? realllly heavy duty black-sheeped, to tha hardest core. it's part of mom's abusive dynamic w/jeanne (my adopted sister & ruler of mom), so i must let things be as they are. i cannot control other ppl. on tha way home i said to her, "wow, i can't believe i was able to reel myself in like that" & then explained what that meant. she seemed happy w/my words. i also got into how EVERYone in dana's fam is losing their homes, all to foreclosure, & how fucked over they are & i was actually UNBELIEVABLY able to say to this woman who has NEVER really loved me as she should, "mom, i'm just glad YOUR ok financially, because if you weren't i would be beyond worried", then further i said, "sometime when you are sitting in your half a million $$ condo, quietly thinking, give thanks to GOD that you lived your life appropriately, went to Radcliffe, married a Harvard professor & that he setup tha finances so that you would be taken well care of", which she is. all these years since dad died, 11 1/2 yrs now, i have despised & loathed her for letting tha rest of us rot in poverty, but i can be happy, joyous & free today and NOT feel resentful that she's not "sharing tha wealth". fuck it. i pretty much got myself into this situation, i must now lay in tha bed that i have made. for years i blamed her for my on-going kidney probs cuz for tha first 19 yrs of my life i was severely neglected, misdiagnosed, etc re; my UPJ obstruction. i suffered endless "demerol level" pain while tha dr said, "give her an enema & take her to a shrink", lol. lucky for him he's dead or else i would def sue him. so i blamed mom, and you know what? she juss doesn't have that "mother-lion instinct" w/her kids that i have. perhaps it's because she didn't give birth to us, who knows. we were dysfunctional like so many other fams, but we looked great on tha outside. ahh well, i am grateful to GOD that i DO have that killer mother instinct!! when my rena was 9 she got whooping cough, many thx to tha framingham public school system. after hearing tha dr say, "it's allergies", which she had NEVER had, i went straight to tha top!!!! took her to fuking MASS GENERAL & tha chief of pulmonology :) after being there for 10 seconds, him seeing her coughing/whooping fit, he said, "this child has pertussis (whooping cough), thank you!!! my mother commented later that she thought tha way i pursued it to tha very top was really awesome. so perhaps her & dad listening to tha idiot dr back in tha late 60's, early 70's and believing his word as if it was God speaking, and blowing off my "flareups", somehow that must have kicked my OWN kickass motherly instincts IN...for that i am grateful. so today i can look at it that way. i can be positive about her, keeping my borderline in check, altho i was admittedly manicky, which i admitted to her. i'm soooo glad i was finally able to admit these mental disorders, after being diagnosed like 6 yrs ago, and even longer ago for tha borderline....now, let's see how i can get into see tha master of tha universe dr re; borderline who juss happens to practice at mcclean hospital right over in belmont!!! hollywood stars go there, it's world renouned & i can guarentee you right NOW that they will NOT accept my ghetto insurance, so!! i will speak w/him, email him, somehow contact him & ask for his guidance :) oh how i love tha information i can gather on the internet, it's phenomenal!!!! so of course i'm feeling better because i took enough percocet to get rid of not only my kidney pain, but my bladder pain. i must say, this heating pad is NOT gonna hold up, i am going to have to invest on one that costs more than $15, lol ;)
well, i hafta rap it up, dana's comin up, bringin my Shainelle home, yay :) we will utilize tha fact that he has a vehicle & hit up walgreens for a "food-stamp-fest", lol-ski-doodle.
will prob write more later, this is sooo cathartic i can't even believe it!! my oldest, Serena, 24, has been journaling since like 6th grade & actually has kept all her journals from way back, there are a million, and she writes constantly. good therapy :)
peace & Love to anyone who reads this :)
Jiinxsay Lee Whild~
i LOVE this stamp, even tho i've already used it :) gonna look into possible "sigs" for blogger.
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