update of the day

i can't believe i keep branching off onto dif blogger! i go to one, branch to another, until i have 15 tabs open :O its all sooo eye-catching, attractive, hard to turn away from, lol...i should probably not even follow ANY bloggers with the exception of all the Blogger help sites. i just came away from a woman's site & she was a perfect, beautiful, tiny, blonde, married, just living a perfect life and also aware of the fact that ppl need to appreciate every single moment in life. i was starting to feel like the biggest loser on the face of the earth, then, sadly, i read that her brother committed suicide a year ago :(   that told me that even perfect ppl suffer from, or KNOW someone, or have a family member that has either physical or mental "frailties" as i call them. i am sooo loaded up with them, i just don't feel like going thru the list at this time. i've already blogged about it here. and i only joined here on April 15th :) i believe this is entry #32, awesome!! getting that horrible negative venom/poison out of me, just by blogging it. so! it's ok that i don't have a beautiful life like that "blonde blogger", and i don't have a "shabby chic" blog with amazing, unreal DIY advice for ppl, not to mention mind-blowing pictures of shabby chic cottages, vintage estate sale finds, all that stuff that rich ppl in san fransisco do. i'm just ME. the jiinxified one :) although i have been able to start "spring cleaning", or in my case, just making up for NOT cleaning, i have to remember that some days i need to be kind to myself. some days, if ALL i do is NOT pick up a drink, then that is a successful day for this; bipolar, BPD'd -(Borderline Personality Disorder aka "Emotional Dysregulation Disorder), alcoholic with "chronic kidney disease" and "Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Defeciency" aka "Emphysema for the young".. :O poverty doesn't help when i'm looking at those amazing sites. i WANT to be like that gurl who's blog is sooo awesomely wonderful, i believe her site is called, "a blonde walks into a blog". she's sooo blessed and lucky. i think she is one of the rare ones who realizes how blessed she is :))) God Bless Her :) well, i don't want to get too into her life, it's non'my -(none of my business). there WAS one aspect that i noticed on her page that looked intriguing-(sp?)- and that was, she belongs to a group on Blogger called, "20-somethings Blogger group". i went to that page and it looked like fun!! i wish i could find one called, "40-something group", however, i fear i would not fit in, as i truly AM 18, that's EIGHTEEN, emotionally!!! i think i am emotionally stunted for whatever reason, perhaps my frailties has something to do with it. but i would atleast like the chance to see a 40's group. im quite certain i would do much better joining groups like; scene-gurls, scene-hair, PINK-lovers, etc, the kind of groups i belong to on FB, Bebo, etc :)
so although i WANT to be like her and those others, i know that i cannot, and i HAVE to accept that fact.  i am just a different kind of gurl. granted i LOVE pink, as one site focused on, i LOVE shabby-chic, i just can't focus on those "extras" in life at this time....well, what am i thinking??? lol, i NEVER hold myself back from the PINK in life, a few blogs ago, i put pics up showing the PINK inside of my beloved PINK Princess-Mobile :)) and should i not be grateful and gracious, just getting the car back tuesday, after NOT having ANY transpo for 34 days? of course i should be. i just forGOT today :(  i hate when i get wretched. it's called either a "dry drunk" or a "mental binge", as IF one was drinking. of course i made plans to go to both the noontime AND the 5:30pm mtgs, but was sooo overwhelmed after driving Shainelle to appt, then going to bank to bitch about and "extra" $35 fee they took. so she took one off. still in hole $50, so when my disability check gets direct deposited at 6am, you can BET i'll be the first one thru the doors of walmart at 7am(?). ALL paper products, including "fem", are comin from there this month! just hope i can "reign myself in" when i see all the jr clothing on super sale...ahhh, forget that, Marshalls is my store anyways :) maybe just 2 bracelets, a pink one to match the black one, and a black one to match the pink one, confusing? i wear more than the average amount of bracelets come spring :) on my left arm is all; black and silver bracelets, my right arm is all pink and silver ones :)))  i also got my "time honored tradition:" when i went with homer to wallyword last wknd! i got 2 5-paks of toe rings, yayyy!!! so NOW, my glorious left foot has all black and silver toe rings, one on each toe, and my right foot has all PINK and silver!!! i'm kind of "breaking them in", brutal :O i suppose being on narcotics 24/7/365 comes in handy when one is trying to break in their toe rings.
i may live 200% below poverty level, but i AM still, and always WILL BE a gurly gurl :)
pain has been bad. may go see dr tomorrow. so i need to sleep now so i can wake up early.
LOVE and KiSSeS~